Tina Turner said in a song she sang, “ What's love got to do with it… and who needs a heart when a heart can be broken.” Now Tina Turner was an African American woman Blues/R&B singer back in the “day” when I was growing up! After going through an abusive relationship with her husband who managed her singing career and who continued to abuse her physically, mentally and emotionally, even after making them financially well off and famous; she finally had enough and decided to leave him.
When she left him, my understanding is that, she walked away from her business contract and lost lots of money in her career. However, she was willing to MAKE THAT HARD DECISION because she had become sick and tired of the abuse. She asked herself that hard question; “What has love got to do with being in a abusive, horrible, controlling life with my husband.” She found herself living in this horrible place with a man that clearly did not love her, respect her, or adore her.
She finally had the light come on and she had a “Revelation” that I AM DONE WITH THIS! “I AM WORTH MORE THAN THIS.” She is truly a woman that has been there and done that! She made it out of a co-dependent relationship which was abusive and toxic to her body and to her mind.
In my book “5 Steps to healing your heart, you can get up again,” on page 95, I say that “love has absolutely nothing to do with being abused.”
When I first heard Tina Turner’s song, I just did not understand what she was talking about. I thought she was saying that she did Not “NEED LOVE ANYMORE.” It took many years for the light to come on for me with this song. She was speaking to the issues of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.
We as women and also men who are abused by women, can no longer EXCUSE OUR LOVERS, HUSBANDS, WIVES, FRIENDS, RELATIVES, BOSSES, WHO WOULD ABUSE US. Many and Most of us who have stayed in relationships that are abusive and toxic did so because we were co-dependent.
My desire and goal for my personal self-development and life coaching business, Carter & Hart Institute of Healing is to provide an emotionally safe place for real HEART HEALING without judgement, without a need to continue hiding, without a need to try to protect yourself, and without a need to try to defend yourself. We ALL need a heart that is at peace, resting beside the still waters, that lays down in GREEN PASTURES from stress, trauma, abuse, worry and fear.
I have a question to ask you, are you in love or are you JUST co-dependent?
I want to tell you what it means to be Co-dependent.
Co-dependency is a form of personal attachment in a relationship. Co-dependency CAN HIT BOTH MEN AND WOMEN EQUALLY. You need a certain person in your life to survive or to feel whole. You can be co-dependent with your lover, your husband, your wife, your children, your friends, or even your parents. A new name for it has been coined by ROSS ROSENBERG in his book- “The human magnet syndrome, WHY DO WE LOVE PEOPLE WHO HURT US” calls it "self love deficit disorder". This means that a co-dependent person loves and takes care of other people to the point of neglecting themselves. They…. (and since I am an acclaimed RECOVERING CO-DEPENDENT), I will say… We are people who feel a NEED to take care of other people and constantly give to other people to the point of our own self neglect. Experts say that this desire or need stems from a lack of self love and lack of self worth. The experts say that somehow, Co-dependent people did not form a healthy relationship in their childhood with feelings of unconditional love. Co-dependency can lead to “ LOVE/SEX ADDICTION.”
Did you know that people can die from addictions. People DIE from addictions such a drugs, cigarettes and alcohol. We seldom hear about discussions on love addictions. Love addictions can be fatal. There are some Psychological experts who believe that we can become UNBALANCED in our brain chemistry. When God created us, He gave us Neurotransmitters. today we call them Dopamine, Oxytocin and Serotonin. God blessed us with these “FEEL GOOD HORMONES.” But mankind can use them in a negative way to create addictions within our minds and bodies. When these hormones become unbalanced in a NEGATIVE WAY they become DESTRUCTIVE AND ADDICTIVE.
These feel good hormones or “LOVE BRAIN CHEMICALS” like: Dopamine, can create a high like a chase for a new lover. It is known as the “big high or rush of love.” When out of control, it is known as the “Lust hormone.” Then there is the “Relationship addiction hormone” that experts called- Oxytocin hormone. This “Love hormone” is also called the cuddling hormone. Then there is a hormone called Serotonin- which experts say is the “I’m OK NOW, that I’ve gotten my love fix.” This is a hormone that love addicts can never get enough of.
These hormones are all “Neurotransmitters.”
People can bond to a person in a “toxic way” or negatively and create an “intoxicating feeling” that can become lust and addictive in nature. This means that the body needs more and more of these hormones to keep the “HIGH FEELING”
Remember the Movie- “FATAL ATTRACTION”, it was about Love Addiction.
I don’t know what my co-dependency issues stem from, but I DO know that when I read the traits of the co-dependent person, I finally felt for the first time that someone understood the deeper part of me, someone finally understood my STRUGGLES AND NOW, I COULD FINALLY UNDERSTAND MYSELF and come to my place of healing.
There is ONE THING I DO KNOW- A woman cannot make a man love her or do right by her. He has to do this on his own, out of his own commitment towards her, and from a good heart within himself. Also, a man has to have a good character and be willing to respect a woman for who she is, “NOT FOR WHAT HE WANTS HER TO BE OR TO BECOME FOR HIM AND HIS NEEDS.” That would be called, CONTROL. ( See page 95-96, from my book- 5 steps to healing your heart, you can get up again.)
On page 96 of my book, I also talk about how a man should treat a woman. I stated here, “No matter how much you love that man in your life, if he does not accept you and he refuses to care for you tenderly, share his life with you, be honest, show you respect and invest in the relationship and commit to not abusing you in all forms (sexually, emotionally, physically, financially, mentally) then, he is not worth your time or your life! “We can NO longer live in a “Co-Dependent DELUSION.”
Go to God and pray first before making any major decisions. Be at peace when you make your decision. Never make a permanent decision because of a temporary situation. Seek wise, Godly counsel- people who are aligned to a spiritual path and seek paths for your highest good. Then delight yourself in the ways of the Lord and you will have good success.